Real Pissers

  • There’s a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found.
  • You buy an answering machine so you won’t miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer.
  • You’re reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out.
  • You tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it’ll magically open for them and not you.
  • Someone says, “well, to make a long story short” and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.
  • A friend or family member says “Yuck! This is awful!!” and then tells you to try some.
  • You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you’re just looking around.
  • You rub on hand cream and can’t turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
  • A waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.
  • Your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.
  • There’s a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
  • The power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.
  • The elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.
  • You almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don’t, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.
  • People who come barging through the door you just opened for your own passage as if you are some sort of doorman or something. Along those same lines: People for whom you DO intentionally open or hold a door who then just breeze through without any acknowledgement.
  • Listening to a song on the radio waiting patiently until the end for the DJ to tell you who it was by and he DOESN’T.
  • People who are willing to get off their ass to search the room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
  • You can’t look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don’t know how to spell it.
  • When people say, “It’s always in the last place you look.” Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
  • When people say, while watching a movie, “Did you see that?” No asshole, I paid money to come to the theatre and stare at that thing over there. What did you come here for?
  • People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?” Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya buddy?
  • People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
  • When something is “new and improved”, which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
Funny Jokes